Tyranny of competitive neediness

The burn hurt enormously. My hand was under a scalding water spill. Immediately I tended to the fingers that hurt - numbers 1-3 - keeping them properly submerged in luke-warm water to remove the heat and reduce the damage. It was a long evening and night.

The next morning, those three fingers were practically normal while the fourth finger (my "uninjured" pinky) was developing painful blisters. In the intensity of the pain in fingers 1-3, the fact that finger 4 was also affected, though less so, went unnoticed, resulting in becoming the only one damaged.

Taking a first-aid course to qualify to volunteer at my son's elementary school, we were taught to specifically draw the victim's attention to each part of their body - placing a hand gently on shoulder, arm, etc., asking if it hurt. This is because presenting injuries - those with the most acute pain - often blind us to perceive less dramatic, but real, problems... the fourth finger.

In early days of our 40-year marriage, we sometimes experienced (unwittingly) the practice of competetive need. My concerns were elevated by the intensity of my emotions - and vice-versa. We tried the negotiation tactic of letting everything slide - unless it was REALLY IMPORTANT - at which point there was no debate. Now when we face any problems - internally or externally - we are watchful to "remember the fourth finger." The immediate needs of thirsty plants in the garden must not blind us to the less dramatic needs of the other plants... etc.

As an 8-yr-old child in a family of more kids than available attention, I remember trying to get appendicitis by swallowing my peas whole. If I had acute illness, I would win the competitive neediness and get much-desired focus and attention.

All our situations - from home maintenance to interpersonal struggles - are vulnerable to the 4th-finger affect. Some things are so noticeable and urgent they can hide other concerns which seem unimportant by comparison. But unaddressed, they can become their own crisis. If things are only tended when in crisis - life becomes a series of crises.

When working with ADD families, experts cautioned us to not let one child's situation become the dominant feature of family life. This is hard advice to follow as the needs are imperative and urgent. But "lesser" needs end up becoming primary needs if not addressed when they arise, and a family that revolves around one need is highly dysfunctional.

Bottom line - be kind, but don't be the 4th finger.